As I held Doc's hand in those final hours with him on this earth I prayed for God to have mercy in his situation. I also prayed for God to give me what I needed in this days ahead. God provided just as He always does. He granted me strength to accomplish Doc's desires to be home to take his last breath. He granted me wisdom in many financial decisions. He granted me His love to share with others over and over again. When you are a pastor and you are grieving, it is a bit different because you have a whole lot of others who are grieving for you to minister to at the same time you yourself are grieving. God made me realize many times when I focus on the grief of others it allows Him to heal my heart even more so. The season of life I was in a year ago is different than today. The grief is still there but most days it is not as fresh. Days like today, the first anniversary of my honey leaving earth, bring back a lot of memories. I need to bask on the 'good' memories and not the 'tough' ones. C played havoc in our lives for sixteen month but God was greater. The stroke changed our world but thankfully God was merciful and it was only for forty-eight hours. The enemy tried to steal our joy many times but our God was right there encouraging us along. Doc and I were more than a married couple. We were a ministry team who strived to touch as many lives as we could. God loved us every day with a love that we tried to share. Doc made me laugh and made me feel special as we enjoyed life for over thirty years together. We made many memories over the years. I love to look back over pictures of our life together. When he took his last breath, I felt an emptiness I would not wish on anyone. I remember the first few days of doing things such as having morning service because we had planned it. I remember saying many times over this last year 'it's the way Doc would do it or would have wanted it.' Even though he left this earth he still has an impact on my life. I pray he still has an impact on others lives as well. He was more than my husband. He was my mentor, friend, and pastor. The season with C was hard but God walked us through every step of the way. The season of his death was hard but God walked me through every step of the way. The season of being a widow is hard but God walks me through every step of every day. I am so grateful for God's love and for the empowerment of the Holy Spirit. On my way to Lowe's yesterday the song "Blessings" came on and the tears fell. I am grateful God gives us exactly what we need no matter what we pray. He hears every prayer but His answer is not always what we want. Sometimes His answer does not fit into 'our' plans but it always fits into His plans for us. Praise His Holy Name! Big Daddy Weave sings a song called "All Things New" that I am forever grateful for.
Only You can bring such beauty from the depths of all my pain
Only You can take this shattered heart and make it beat again
Oh, You hold us all together in Your hands
I surrender all I have and all I am
You make all things new
You make all things new
God of mercy and love
Do what only You can do and make all things new
God took my brokenness and restored me. He strengthened me to not just get through this year but to glorify Him through it. I am so grateful for all who have been with me along the way encouraging and supporting me.
Dear Jesus, Thank You for continuing to be with me through these 'tough' days of the one year anniversary of Doc taking his final breath on this earth! Thank You for loving me through others, Your Word, and music! Thank You for laughter with Rickey last night which I needed after such a tough evening! Thank You for Alex and Cait having lunch with me and the many people who texted or called yesterday! Thank You for cleansing me so You can fill me to overflowing with more of You! I desire to glorify You through my words, actions, attitude and thoughts throughout the day ahead. Empower me to be greater than anything that comes my way. I pray peace over many who are going through 'tough' days. My Momma; my sisters Linda, Sally, and Mary; Dan; Pete and Delores; Steve; Ben and Colleen; Melanie; Norma; Ofie; Scott; Carrie and Chris; a friend with an uncle with cancer; some young ladies with anxiety issues; a young man in rehab for anger issues and another one hospitalized with addiction issues; Little Ivy's family; Rebecca's student and her family; many with COVID including some of Chrissy's family and a first-time Momma who is close to her due date; a family with the loss of their husband/father/grandfather yesterday from COVID; Ms Savon and Mr John; Gay and Doug; a Momma with two little girls and another one ready to come into this world; another Momma waiting on the results of her unborn child and another Momma struggling with being away from her family for work; my friend Debbie who buried her Daddy yesterday; and so many others. I pray for Nada who is recuperating from surgery and for Todd's son with his wedding today. Lord, may I not miss any opportunity You put before me as I go through this day. May I reflect on the 'good' memories and keep my focus on You. I pray for Adam, Paul, Ben, Tim, Amy, and the rest of our family throughout this day to feel Your presence. Thank You Jesus for being My Jehovah Rapha! Amen.
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