Proverbs 3:5-6 - "I Know"

Oh how I enjoyed last night with going to the Big Daddy Weave/Zach Williams concert with Sandy, Will, and Carol. I've been saying I wanted to do something 'fun' and this was it! I'm so tired today but it was worth it! God healed my soul again through the tears that fell during Big Daddy Weave's song I Know. As the tears fell and the sobs came Sandy blessed me with a hug. These words touched the depth of my heart...

You don't answer all my questions
But You hear me when I speak
You don't keep my heart from breakin'
But when it does, You weep with me...

I know that You are good
I know that You are kind
I know that You are so much more
Than what I leave behind
I know that I am loved
I know that I am safe
Cause even in the fire to live is Christ, to die is gain
I know that You are good

I don't understand the sorrow
But You're calm within the storm
Sometime this weight is overwhelming
But I don't carry it alone...

On my darkest day
From my deepest pain
Through it all, my heart, will choose to sing Your praise...

These are the days I continue to live in. Life can be so overwhelming but God is always here with me. When I feel so alone, He provides a friend with loving words. When I feel like I cannot carry on, He provides exactly what I need. I Know beyond a doubt He is with me. Praise His Holy Name! I Know God has always been with me and I Know He will continue to be. I Know He will never leave me but instead directs me to walk in His will and gives me the desire in my heart to do so. I Know I do not have to be afraid of what is ahead. All I have to do is trust Him and allow Him to be not only my King of Kings but my Lord of Lords. I am reminded this morning of Proverbs 3:5-6. Trust. It is not a big word but it is packed full of a big way to live. In The Message it reads:

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    He’s the one who will keep you on track.

It takes listening to Him to be able to trust Him. It takes dying to self so He is our total focus. There is no better way to live than in this manner. It is the easiest way to live and is full of blessings. God continues to give me what I need in these dark days. He brings light where it is needed so greatly. He puts people in my path that encourage me and love on me. My tribe continue to support me so greatly. Getting mail of encouragement, spending time with friends, bringing songs and Scripture before me that are part of my healing process...the list goes on and on. Praise His Holy Name!

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for the blessing last night with the concert with Sandy, Will, and Carol! Thank You for the healing that occurred! Another first without Doc. Oh how I am so grateful You continue to be my strength in these tough days. Thank You for the blessing yesterday of being at the church building at the exact time I needed to be there! Thank You for those who will come today to work at the building and for the work that will be accomplished! Father, I pray You will empower all of us to realize it will be finished in Your time. I pray You will cleanse my soul of anything not of You as I begin another day. May You empower me with Your strength. May You give me Your wisdom but most of all I pray for You to flow out of my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts today. My physical body does not want to go. I pray for an extra dose of Your strength to not just get through the day but for You to be glorified through it! There are a couple people heavy on my heart today with the circumstances they are going through. May You be greater then the hurts of their heart and continue to be greater than the hurts of my own heart. Thank You Father for being The One I Trust! Amen.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 - "I Have This Hope"

God is so good! He woke me this morning with these words of "I Have This Hope" going through my mind...

As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear
I want to trust that You are near
Trust Your grace can be seen
In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go

Yesterday was not one of my 'best' days. I only had three hours of sleep the night before so I was tired which made me emotional. In the afternoon when I realized it was eight weeks ago yesterday morning that Doc said 'I love you' for the last time the ugly tears flowed and the sobbing did not want to stop. After I finally got myself under control I felt so agitated. I prayed and asked God to give me His peace. I went for a walk but cut it short when the tears started as I thought about how Doc's last weeks we tried to walk every night. He would push the rolator with his pain pump and push himself to get to the end of the street and back. So many times he told me he didn't want to leave this earth. He did not want to leave me. He wanted to see the grand babies grow up and have their own babies. He also told me he would be the one of us to die first and that I needed to continue on with life. He wanted me to not be sad because he was going to be in a better place and I would join in when it was my time. He always reminded me that I am a 'McHenry' so I was tough. Our talks hold a special place in my heart but it still aches. A friend helped me through the evening by talking with me last night. They lost their spouse a few years ago so can relate to a lot I am going through. They said, "At first the memories sadden our hearts but someday they will be wonderful memories." That statement gives me hope for the future. It reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11-13. The Lord gave the exiled ones hope for their future. He told them they would not remain in the state of being exiled. Doc had the hope of receiving healing from cancer. He knew if his healing did not happen on this earth then it would in heaven when he was given a new body. I have the hope of God healing my heart with him no longer being with me. I have the hope in the knowledge I will see him again. There is a part of this song that I really cannot relate to and pray I never do get to this point.

But sometimes my faith feels thin
Like the night will never end
Will You catch every tear
Or will You just leave me here?

My faith is stronger today than it has ever been. God continues to give me exactly what I need every moment of the day. When the tears fall and the sobbing happens, it is His way of healing   my spirit. I know He is always with me and for that I am grateful. 

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for Your love that showered down upon me so greatly! Thank You for the tears that are part of the healing of my broken heart! Thank You for my tribe who love on me so well! Thank You for the words to this song and to Jeremiah 29:11-13 that give me hope! Thank You for Doc realizing healing with his new body! Thank You for me finally having a ten hour night of sleep! Thank You for cleansing me so You can fill me to overflowing with more of You! May You be my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts in a more intentional way today than ever before. May You shine brightly through me so everyone who I meet will realize Your love through me. Lord, I don't know what today holds but I know You do. May You continue to guide my steps and be so real to me so You can be so real to others. Thank You for answering my prayers with waking me up to what You desire of me to preach for the Christmas season! I am looking forward to working on it just as I look forward to gathering what You desire for every sermon. I pray sermon preparation will never become a 'chore' as I have heard some pastors say. Lord, I pray for those who are living on the streets to stay warm, have food, and people who love on them to give them hope. Thank You Jesus for being My Hope! Amen.

Psalm 14 - "Famous For (I Believe)"

Yesterday was full of blessings as the Lord took my sermon parts and put them together, I rested, and then with Bible study last night. Woo hoo, God! It is days like this that make me pray more for people who are not in relationship with Him. It makes me sad as I pray for people by name who do not live for Him. They are missing out on so much. It makes me sad to think of people living for eternity in hell instead of with our Heavenly Father but we all have a choice to make. We must choose God and His way of life on this earth if we want to live with Him in heaven. Last night's discussion about false teachers brought my thoughts to how much of a responsibility I have as an overseer. I must make sure to keep my focus on God at all time so the enemy does not trick me into doing or saying something not of God. I must make sure every teaching that comes out of my mouth glorifies Him. Last night I saw this picture and thought 'amen!'

This is exactly the way I strive to live my life. I desire to fulfill His will every day and from this way of living He will be glorified. He did not bring the Israelites out of Egypt, perform miraculous healings, etc. for us just to live on this earth. God sent His Son Jesus to this earth to live, die, and come back to life so we could all live. His life's purpose was for all of us to have eternal life with Him. As a believer it is my responsibility to walk in His will so He will be glorified. I do not ever want Psalm 14:2-3 to happen yet I know there are many in our world who do not follow God. In reads in The Message:

God sticks his head out of heaven.
    He looks around.
He’s looking for someone not stupid—
    one man, even, God-expectant,
    just one God-ready woman.

He comes up empty. A string of zeros.

    Useless, unshepherded sheep,

    taking turns pretending to be Shepherd.

The ninety and nine follow their fellow.

Matthew Henry writes of this Psalm: 

Let us lament the corruption of our nature, and see what need we have of the grace of God: let us not marvel that we are told we must be born again. And we must not rest in any thing short of union with Christ, and a new creation to holiness by his Spirit.

All people need to realize His love and we all must share His love so others can also be in relationship with Him. Our Shepherd would never give up when one of His sheep walked away from Him. We, as overseers, must never give up when people walk away from God. Sometimes we need to quit pursuing people so their hearts do not become too hardened but we can never stop praying for them.

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for this Scripture this morning that reminds me not quit loving on people with Your love! Thank You for the reminder that You never give up on us when we walk away from You! Thank You for the blessings of yesterday with the way You brought all my sermon prep together into what You desire for me to preach this week! Thank You for our time in Bible study last night! Thank You for the way You loved on me through Miss Everly's hugs yesterday! Father, cleanse me so You can fill me to overflowing with more of You. May You shine brightly through my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts today in a new, different way. May You put people before me who will experience Your love through me. I pray especially for: Jenn as she has her daughter in Akron Children's to receive answers; Elizabeth to experience Your strength, wisdom, and peace today; my Momma to feel better; Nicole and Donna with physical pain; and for all of those who need a spiritual touch. Lord, be greater than the hurts of our heart. I am so blessed by the way You continue to give me thoughts about Doc that encourage me to keep going in this life without him. Oh how I miss him and Mordecei. Sometimes the aches are so overwhelming but I am thankful Your love is greater. I praise You for Marlene's Momma and husband doing so much better after going through the COVID and for Bentley testing negative yesterday. Lord, I don't understand why I have nights with so little sleep. I pray You will give me Your supernatural strength to not just get through this day on three hours of sleep but for You to be glorified through it. Thank You for continuing to be with all who are in the path of another hurricane! Thank You for being My Shepherd! Amen.

Psalm 89 - "Who You Are To Me"

This morning the Lord led me to Psalm 89. As I read it in different versions, I was blessed by how the writer praised God through the 'tough' times of life. That is exactly what we all need to do. We need to praise Him. The first four verses read in The Message:

Your love, God, is my song, and I’ll sing it!
    I’m forever telling everyone how faithful you are.
I’ll never quit telling the story of your love—
    how you built the cosmos
    and guaranteed everything in it.
Your love has always been our lives’ foundation,
    your fidelity has been the roof over our world.
You once said, “I joined forces with my chosen leader,
    I pledged my word to my servant, David, saying,
‘Everyone descending from you is guaranteed life;
    I’ll make your rule as solid and lasting as rock.’”

God loves us greatly and is faithful in His love. He loves us through the 'tough' times with exactly what we need. We need to not only praise Him through such times but we also need to make sure we are telling others of His love that is getting us through them. Verses fifteen through eighteen in The Message read:

Blessed are the people who know the passwords of praise,
    who shout on parade in the bright presence of God.
Delighted, they dance all day long; they know
    who you are, what you do—they can’t keep it quiet!
Your vibrant beauty has gotten inside us—
    you’ve been so good to us! We’re walking on air!
All we are and have we owe to God,
    Holy God of Israel, our King!

These verses read in The Passion Translation:

O Lord, how blessed are the people
who experience the shout of worship,
for they walk in the radiance of your presence.
16 We can do nothing but leap for joy all day long,
for we know who you are and what you do,
and you’ve exalted us on high.
17 The glory of your splendor is our strength,
and your marvelous favor makes us even stronger,
lifting us even higher!
18 You are our King, the holiest one of all;
your wrap-around presence is our protection.

This is the result of a life that walks in the Lord even through 'tough' times. There is joy found when we allow Him to flow in and through us. I love the words passwords of praise. The 'secret' to having joy through 'tough' times is found in praising Him through them. Matthew Henry wrote, We think when we are in trouble we get ease by complaining; but we do more, we get joy, by praising. Let our complaints therefore be turned into thanksgiving. Woo hoo! I'm thankful for the time COVID19 gave me with my honey in his last months. I'm thankful there was only a forty-eight hour period of time from the time Doc had the stroke until he took his last breathe on this earth. I'm thankful for the knowledge he has a new body in heaven. I'm thankful God gave me peace with Mordecei's death. I'm thankful for my tribe that continue to love me through the days of adjustment to being alone. I have often heard people say 'I can't complain because it wouldn't do any good' when asked how they are doing. I would much rather hear someone say 'I'm blessed by the best!' as one man used to say when we ministered in downtown Mansfield. We all have the passwords of praise within us. Sometimes it takes digging deeper to find them but we will be blessed when we do. An attitude of praise overcomes so much. It puts our focus on God and others instead of on ourselves. I would not have chosen this season of life but I am thankful God is directing me through it. I have gone deeper in my faith as I allow Him to continue to have total control of every aspect of my life. The more I search His Word, wait on Him, listen to Him, etc. the more I realize His presence. Woo hoo! God never leaves us but He does give us free choice. We must make the right choice in living a life for Him. I know I must continue seeking Him first in all I do. As I do, He will direct every choice I make and be the wrap-around presence that protects us from the enemy and loves on me so wonderfully.

You're amazing, faithful, love's open door
When I'm empty You fill me with hunger for more
Of Your mercy, Your goodness
Lord, You're the air that I breathe
That's who You are to me
Who You are to me

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for loving on me so wonderfully! Thank You for yesterday with being home, cooking, etc. that empowers me to adjust to my new life! Thank You for my friends Rickey and Pam who helped me yesterday with me being so many miles away from my Momma! Thank You for the nine hours of sleep last night! Thank You for the way You are going to bring the sermon together You have laid on my heart to share Sunday! Father, cleanse me so You can fill me to overflowing with more of You. May You be my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts throughout this day in a more intentional way than ever before. Thank You for Doc's handwritten notes I continue to find in His Bibles! What a treasure! Lord, I have some people on my heart his morning that are going through some 'tough' times. I pray they will find the passwords of praise that are deep within them so their focus will be on You and others instead of themselves. Thank You for being My Wrap-Around Presence! Amen.

Psalm 27 - "There Was Jesus"

Yesterday was a roller coaster ride of emotions. The morning was spent with two of my little friends which brought me great joy. The afternoon was hard as I comforted a friend and picked up Mordecei's remains. I participated in a zoom call with ladies from all over the United States in the evening and once again received joy. I found one of Doc's handwritten notes in his Bible that brought me joy. He wrote: "Dad Davis said this to me at Mom's funeral...Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task (I Timothy 3:1)." His grandfather never had formal schooling that I know of but he led a little church. He was known in the family as knowing The Word and living it out. This blessed me in abundance to find. I'm so thankful for Doc writing such things in his Bible. Another verse he marked that I hold near and dear to my heart is Psalm 27:14. In the NIV it reads, Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. This is the last verse of this Psalm that clearly speaks of David's great faith in the Lord. I like how Matthew Henry describes the beginning of the Psalm...

The Lord, who is the believer's light, is the strength of his life; not only by whom, but in whom he lives and moves. In God let us strengthen ourselves. The gracious presence of God, his power, his promise, his readiness to hear prayer, the witness of his Spirit in the hearts of his people; these are the secret of his tabernacle, and in these the saints find cause for that holy security and peace of mind in which they dwell at ease. The psalmist prays for constant communion with God in holy ordinances. 

It is in His presence we will receive His strength. As we wait on His will to be unfolded in our lives, we will receive such peace. Waiting is not easy in our humanness but praise His Holy Name we do not have to do it in our humanness. As we allow Him to empower us through the Holy Spirit we have His supernatural ability to wait. Woo hoo! Matthew Henry continues about the last part of the Psalm: Wherever the believer is, he can find a way to the throne of grace by prayer. God calls us by his Spirit, by his word, by his worship, and by special providences, merciful and afflicting. God is calling me to wait on Him. He is calling me to live in His presence with expectation and hope. He is calling me to allow Him to heal the hurts of my heart. He is calling me to allow Him to complete what He has started with the rehab of the church building. Plain and simple. He is calling me. What will I do about this call? I will stand upon Psalm 27:14, Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. I know people are tired of the building not being completed. I'm tired of the process myself. But I also know we cannot manipulate situations nor can we give up. We must Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. There is a reason those four little words were repeated in this one verse. Wait for the Lord...wait for the Lord.

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for all of the blessings of yesterday with having time with the Carrington children, ministering to a friend, my hug from Miss Everly, the zoom call with Darla and Diane, finding Doc's note about Dad Davis' words in his Bible...oh my the day was so full of blessings! Thank You for being with me as I picked up Mordecei's remains and once again allowing the tears to heal my heart! Thank You for the encouragement I received from Doc's note on Psalm 27:14. Lord, cleanse me so You can empower me to stand upon Psalm 27:14 as I wait for You to guide me. May I not take any step without Your guidance so I can live in Your will. I am grateful today is a 'stay-at-home' day with having little sleep last night. I pray nights will get back to 'normal' with nine to ten hours of sleep. I don't want my days to get back to 'normal' because what used to be 'normal' is not where I desire to be. I want to go deeper with You, Lord and that is what has happened over the last several months with the cancer in Doc's body, COVID19, loss of Mordecei, etc. I want to continue to wait for Your will. Thank You Jesus for being My Waiting Room! Amen.

II Timothy 1:7 - "Not Today"

Yesterday when I started the live feed the sound was horrible. I unplugged and started again a few times but nothing worked. I had already taken one of my 'hippy hippy shake' pills and had the tingling happening in my face and head so I knew there were challenges ahead. Praise God for Will who suggested I just use the mic in my cell phone! It worked but then as soon as that problem was solved there were so many distractions. I was frustrated and my words through the announcements showed that frustration until God clearly said, "Daughter stop and pray." Woo hoo God! I prayed for His peace and it was provided in a mighty way. If anyone started watching the video after that point they would never know anything had happened. This morning I was reminded of a song Hillsong sings called "Not Today"...

I’ll sing the night into the morning
I’ll sing the fear into Your praise
I’ll sing my soul into Your presence
Whenever I say Your Name
Let the devil know not today
Whenever I say Your Name Jesus
Let the devil know not today
Not now not ever again

Yes! The enemy is trying to distract me. He is trying to stop me. He is trying to make me fear the life ahead of me. But he will not win because God is My Strength! I realized that in a mighty way this week as He gave me peace with Mordecei leaving this earth. Oh how I miss him but I'm thankful he is no longer in pain. He gave us eleven plus years of joy and for that I am grateful. Yesterday as I was with friends for lunch the realization of what a difference I felt from two weeks ago hit me. Two weeks ago I sat with two couples around the lunch table and laughed yet inside I just wanted to cry. I missed my honey being with me so much. When I got home, I did have a good cry. Yesterday, just two weeks later, was different. I feel so much stronger than I did two weeks ago. I miss my honey so much and I still have my days of questioning 'why?' but God continues to fill me with His peace. I am so grateful for all the ways He loves on me! I refused to allow the enemy an open door as we went through the fifteen months of pancreatic cancer and I refuse to give him one now. My God is greater than any distraction the enemy puts before us. My God is greater than the hurts of our hearts. My God is greater than the questions that come into our minds. Plain and simple. My God is greater. Woo hoo!

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for stopping me yesterday to pray against distractions! Thank You for putting people in my life who have wisdom with such things as sound issues! Thank You for continuing to give me exactly what I need every day! Thank You for the way Doc encouraged me to do things myself his last few months of life! Thank You for Will and Sandy who had me over for lunch yesterday! Thank You for waking me yesterday morning when Alyssa called me to pray with them as their Momma took her last breaths on this earth! I pray they will seek You in this time of hurting. Father, I pray You will cleanse me of anything not of You so I can be a beacon of light for You in the week ahead. I pray You will empower me to accept and fulfill the challenge from yesterday's sermon to be a living testimony of the greatness of Your love. May Your love flow in and through me in a powerful way. May You be my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts in a new, different way. Father, You have laid some things on my heart to do that I am a bit uncomfortable in doing. May You give me Your wisdom as I pursue doing them. Father, thank You for being My Strength! Amen.

James 1:22-25 - "The Gospel"

Last night was a typical Saturday night with praying for pastors before going to bed, being woke up to pray for them, and then praying for them again this morning. It was funny when God woke me at 3:21 He put it in my mind that we all need to be ready when the time came to preach because He might change what we were to tell the people. Three...two...one...it's time! We should always be ready to share the Gospel and share it in the way He desires. We should never speak without be filled with the Spirit. When we live in such a manner, we will realize what God desires of us in a mighty way. Before going to bed He had me pray for all pastors to be obedient to His Voice. He had me pray for those leading children, teens, and adults to make sure His words flowed from them. This morning I woke up with an urgent call from a family called to the hospital for the probable death of their loved one. They put me on speaker phone so I could pray with them. Being far away from people in such a situation breaks my heart. So many times after coming to South Carolina I have received calls of this type. I just want to be with people who are hurting so badly at such times. I have been with this family through so many hurtful times and my heart breaks for them. I know God will be with them and love on them through others. I pray there will be a chaplain there at the hospital who will comfort them and give them exactly what they need. My heart breaks for what they are going through. Life is challenging but we must live a life in His presence so He can empower us through whatever comes our way. We must allow Him to live in and through us so we can spend eternity with Him. Without God we have no hope. Living in the ways of the world provides no hope. Living in His presence is where we all need to live. Ryan Stevenson wrote of his song The Gospel:

"Over the last couple of years it's been very easy to see the constant stress, tension and disunity within our society. We are such a distracted culture, and I feel like the first thing we do in the wake of tragedy is attempt to speak to the issues at hand. I believe that the only answer that will shift our nation, is believers coming back to the feet of Jesus; to living out The Gospel plainly and blatantly for the world to see! Only by getting back into alignment with the heart of Jesus will our lives then become a projection of the one we've encountered in intimacy and this is how we show the Gospel, the good news, to today's culture!"

We, as believers, need to get better at sharing the Gospel. We need to get bolder as the Lord lays it on our heart to speak. We need to realize time is growing short and if we want others to spend eternity with Him, we must share His love. We must not just 'talk the talk' but we must 'walk the walk' so people see His love flow in and through us. I am reminded this morning of the words in the first chapter of James. Verses twenty-two through twenty-five in The Passion Translation reads:

Don’t just listen to the Word of Truth and not respond to it, for that is the essence of self-deception. So always let his Word become like poetry written and fulfilled by your life! If you listen to the Word and don’t live out the message you hear, you become like the person who looks in the mirror of the Word to discover the reflection of his face in the beginning. You perceive how God sees you in the mirror of the Word, but then you go out and forget your divine origin. But those who set their gaze deeply into the perfecting law of liberty are fascinated by and respond to the truth they hear and are strengthened by it—they experience God’s blessing in all that they do!

I love this. So always let His Word become like poetry written and fulfilled by your life! Woo hoo! Praise His Holy Name for His Word!

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for loving me so much! Thank You for a good day yesterday with Your peace encompassing me even though a lot of the time I was alone! Thank You for the day ahead! Thank You for the sermon You laid on my heart to share today! Thank You for being with this family who are hurting so badly as they have been called to the hospital to be with their loved one who will take their last breathe today unless You intervene! Thank You for continuing to heal the hurts of my heart with Doc and Mordecei gone! Father, cleanse me so You can fill me with more of You. May You shine brightly through my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts throughout this day in a new, different way. May people see/hear You instead of me. Lord, I continue to pray for this tingling in my head/face. I pray You will give me exactly what I need to get through this time. May You be greater than it. May the tingling not be a distraction today that will take my focus off of You. I pray You will be with Joanne who has been admitted to the hospital. May she feel Your peace. Thank You Jesus for being My Past, Present, and Future! Amen.

Revelation 3:20 - "Truth Be Told"

Another night of not being able to go to sleep makes for another long day. Once I go to sleep I sleep well. It is just getting to sleep that is the issue. I prayed and asked God to help me be able to go to sleep but I still struggled. I do not know what to do but I do know with this being the second night in a row with the issue I am struggling physically and emotionally. Maybe I need to get more exercise so I will be more tired. Or maybe I need to try some melatonin or something like it. It only seems to happen when I have to get up at a certain time to do something. I don't think I am worrying about such tasks but who knows. If someone asks me today how I'm doing, they may get an earful. Hopefully if they ask such a question they will want a truthful answer. A song Matthew West sings called Truth Be Told comes to my mind this morning.

Lie number one: You're supposed to have it all together
And when they ask how you're doin', just smile and tell them, "Never better"
Lie number two: Everybody's life is perfect except yours
So keep your messes and your wounds and your secrets safe with you behind closed doors

But truth be told
The truth is rarely told, no...

I say, "I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm fine"
But I'm not, I'm broken
And when it's out of control I say it's under control
But it's not and You know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
When bein' honest is the only way to fix it
There's no failure, no fall
There's no sin You don't already know
So let the truth be told

I used to be guilty of saying I was 'fine' when I wasn't. I felt like people did not really want to know how I was doing but were being polite by asking. I got tired of struggling and I did not want to tell people I was over and over again. But God showed me that I needed to be honest when asked. People do not know how to pray if I am not honest. After Doc died I would respond with 'ok' when asked how I was doing. I remember telling someone I would be so happy when I could say 'good' or 'great' instead of just 'ok' when asked. It has been seven weeks since he left. Those seven weeks have been a time of great adjustment and hurt. There have been a lot of tears and I feel so lonely without him or Mordecei with me but I am having 'good' days. Yesterday as I watched a Christmas movie and worked on filling the grand babies stockings I was at peace. I thought about how Doc picked out Christmas gifts back in February for the boys and Mr. Beckett. The memory made my heart happy. I watched some videos Doc did the last few months and that made my heart happy. I would never have chosen this life but God has a reason for it and I must not only accept it but glorify Him through it. My friend Anthony shared with me some insight about loneliness. Revelation 3:20 reads, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me." One of Anthony's college professors said:

"Every person needs to hear this and every Christian needs to feel this. Christ, here, is telling us that opening your heart to the possibilities of relating to Him does not mean you will never be alone. You may be alone, but you don't ever have to be lonely. "

Anthony said when he feels alone he goes back to Revelation 3:20 and praises God for being with him. I love what he said about how they are praying for me. "I am trusting The Lord to assuage your loneliness and give you overwhelming peace and comfort as you dine with Him." Woo hoo! Yes! I know there are people all over the world praying for me and for that I am so grateful. If I did not have the support of my tribe, I would be lost. God gave me people to come along beside me to encourage me even when we are miles apart. This journey I am on is still new and I am still trying to adjust. Some days are definitely better than others. Yesterday was a 'good' day even though I was alone for most of it. My emotional tank was filled with these words from Anthony, brunch with Xavria, watching videos of Doc, etc. I still had times of the tears falling but they are part of the healing process. I still had times of asking God 'why?' but that is also part of the healing process. God is still in control. He has never left me. He continues to give me exactly what I need to not just get through these days but to glorify Him through them. I prayed yesterday for God to give me something 'fun' to do. I do not know what that something will be but I need it. I miss the days of Doc and I going for a ride and exploring our little neck of the woods. I miss trying new restaurants with him or going to new places to sight see. I just have such a desire to do something 'fun' even though I do not know what that will be. I need to make some new memories to go along with the ones I made with him and Mordecei. 

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for the blessings of yesterday and the ones ahead today! Thank You for the meeting with the school personnel that gave me excitement for our church! Thank You for Anthony's words that encouraged me greatly! Thank You for brunch with Xavria, putting Christmas stockings together for the grand babies while watching a Christmas movie, watching videos of Doc...all the ways You filled my emotional tank yesterday! Thank You for giving me a 'good' day! Lord, cleanse me so You can fill me so I can be a beacon of light for You today. May You shine brightly through my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts. I pray for continued healing for Shari, Joanne, Melanie, and so many others with physical needs. I also pray You will stop the tingling in my face/head. I pray for Your enlightenment on what I can do 'fun' to make some new memories. I ask for Your continued strength for all of us who have lost our spouses whether it be seven weeks ago, seven months ago, or seven years ago. May You be so very real to all. I pray for peace to come down on us as we work at the building today. I pray against discouragement, issues, etc. Empower me to speak words of life no matter what comes up. Thank You Jesus for being My Good Day Maker! Amen.

Ecclesiastes 3 - "Famous For (I Believe)"

Seven weeks at this time my honey was still breathing but was not coherent. My sister Linda and I spent the morning suctioning the fluid out of his mouth trying to make him comfortable. When the Hospice aide came late morning to bathe him she told us his time on earth was dwindling fast. She shaved him and got him ready to leave. I appreciated her gentle spirit with not only him but with us. When the nurse came soon after, she also prepared us his time was soon for leaving. That day seems so surreal. I celebrate he is out of pain but oh how I miss him. I miss having him here beside me as he always was. I miss going on car rides to see the beauty of God's creation with him. I miss both laughing and crying with him. I miss learning from him as my pastor. I would never wish him back but sometimes I stop and ask God 'why am I now a widow?' I always thought if one of us had to go before the other it would be better it be him. He would have been totally lost to be left alone. I'm lonely but I know God is with me. He would have had that realization too but I'm not sure how he would have survived. This morning the Lord woke me to the words to Famous For (I Believe).

Make way through the waters
Walk me through the fire
Do what You are famous for
What You are famous for
Shut the mouths of lions
Bring dry bones to life and
Do what You are famous for
What You are famous for
I believe in You, God
I believe in You

There is no fear 'cause I believe
There is no doubt 'cause I have seen
Your faithfulness, my fortress
Over and over

My belief in the Lord is what is getting me through these tough days. My love for Him allows me to experience His love for me. His faithfulness in my life is what encourages me to be faithful to Him. In the passage from Ecclesiastes 3 we are told there is a time for everything that happens on this earth. Following the passage we found a promise in the beginning of verse eleven. He has made everything beautiful in its time (NKJV). Doc's death was final as far as on this earth but he continues to live for eternity with the Lord. He now has a new body with no more cancer. Woo hoo! He is no longer in need of a pain pump. Woo hoo! Instead he is experiencing a completely whole body. Woo hoo! God made Doc's body beautiful in His time. He made him whole in His time. I may not understand His time with taking Doc from this earth but I am grateful for the knowledge he is out of pain. I do not have to fear the days ahead because He continues to give me exactly what I need for each day that comes. I do not have to doubt Him because I have seen His faithfulness through the peace He gives me everyday. As I learn how to get through my days without feeling so lonely He will give me His wisdom and direction. I am so thankful for my relationship with Him.

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for Your love, mercy, and grace that get me through these tough days! Thank You for the knowledge Doc has a new body that is rid of cancer, diabetes, etc! Thank You for empowering me over everything that comes my way such as fear of the unknown in my days! Thank You for loving me through the lonely times of life! Thank You for going before me this morning with an appointment at the building! Thank You for cleansing me so You can fully use me to do Kingdom work! May You shine brightly through my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts today so people will see/hear You instead of me! I pray for continued healing for: my friend Shari from her back surgery; my friend Mike from his foot injury; David from his accident; Tisha's brother-in-law and nephew; many who are mourning the loss of loved ones such as Rick, Peggy, Marsha, Belinda, and so many others; and especially those with spiritual needs. May You be greater than the hurts of their hearts. Lord, continue to give me exactly what I need to not just get through these days but to glorify You through them. I praise You for the sermon You put on my heart to share Sunday. Thank You for continuing to direct me! Thank You for being My Fortress! Amen.

Psalm 19 - "Into The Sea"

This morning the Lord directed me to read Psalm 19. This Psalm reminds us we can find God in His creation and through reading His Word. Yesterday was such a dreary day with the rain falling most of the day. It went along with how I was feeling emotionally as the tears fell from time to time. At one point God reminded me of how He uses the rain to cleanse the earth just as He uses tears to cleanse my spirit. He also reminded me once again that I'm not alone on this journey even though I am lonely. He blessed me with an awesome Bible study with some new faces last night. During the study we discussed how we need to not just 'talk the talk' of being a believer but we also must 'walk the walk' so others will see Him through us. I pray even through these tough days people see Him through me. I feel numb since Mordecei left this earth too. I'm thankful I do not have to do these days on my own strength. I don't think there is much more of it left after taking out belongings of another one from this house. Psalm 19:7-14 tells us we have God's Word to lead us through every day of our life. I feel like I go to His Word so much more than ever these days. I love how verses seven through nine describe His Word in The Passion Translation...

God’s Word is perfect in every way;
how it revives our souls!
His laws lead us to truth,
and his ways change the simple into wise.
8 His teachings make us joyful and radiate his light;
his precepts are so pure!
His commands, how they challenge us to keep close to his heart!
The revelation-light of his word makes my spirit shine radiant.
9 Every one of the Lord’s commands is right;
following them brings cheer.
Nothing he says ever needs to be changed.
10 

His Word is perfect...revives us...leads us to truth...make us joyful. Woo hoo! Verse ten continues...

The rarest treasures of life are found in his truth.
That’s why I prize God’s word like others prize the finest gold.
Nothing brings the soul such sweetness
as seeking his living words.

Praise His Holy Name for giving us His Word to read, ponder upon, gain strength from, etc. especially during tough days such as what I am going through. I need to get better are appreciating His Word. I need to get better at spending more time in His Word. I need to get better at showing my love for Him through being in His Word. Plain and simple. I need to get better. Verse fourteen is one I learned as a little girl in Sunday School. I read it this morning in different versions to get the full just of it. In The Message verses eleven through fourteen read:

There’s more: God’s Word warns us of danger
    and directs us to hidden treasure.
Otherwise how will we find our way?
    Or know when we play the fool?
Clean the slate, God, so we can start the day fresh!
    Keep me from stupid sins,
    from thinking I can take over your work;
Then I can start this day sun-washed,
    scrubbed clean of the grime of sin.
These are the words in my mouth;
    these are what I chew on and pray.
Accept them when I place them
    on the morning altar,
O God, my Altar-Rock, 
    God, Priest-of-My-Altar.

The desire of my heart daily is for God to cleanse me so He can fill me. I desire for Him to wash me clean so I can walk in His will on the road of obedience. I am so grateful for His Word that encourages me to live in this manner. I also am grateful for His Word that encourages me to stay close in relationship with Him. I would be so lost without Him especially right now. I know numbness is part of the grief process. I also know tears will continue to come from time to time and that's ok. The question of 'why?' will continue to be a part of my thoughts. I don't understand 'why' I have to go through this tough season with loss but it's ok because God has a plan. I pray I will never lose my focus on Him so I can realize His plan. 

My heart is breaking
In a way I never thought it could
My mind is racing
With the question, "are you still good?"

Can you make something
From the wreckage?
Would you take this heart
And make it whole again?

Though the mountains may be moved into the sea
Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way
I can hear my Father singing over me
"It's gonna be OK, it's gonna be OK"

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for Your love that is getting me through these tough days! Thank You for the tears that cleanse my spirit! Thank You for Your Word that encourages me greatly! Father, cleanse me so You can flow from my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts today. May You continue to encourage me that "It's gonna be OK..." May You be realized through me in a new, different way today so others will see/hear You instead of me. Lord, my heart hurts. I miss Doc and Mordecei so much. It's so lonely here in this house without them. I don't understand 'why' but I pray You will strengthen me through these days. I pray You will continue to be so very real to me through these hurtful times. Lord, give me Your guidance as I bring the sermon together You have placed on my heart for Sunday. I also pray You will give me something 'fun' to do that will bring healing to my soul. Thank You for Melanie's appointment and my sister Linda's procedure going well yesterday! May You continue to give doctors wisdom in their situations. Thank You Jesus for being My Altar-Rock! Amen.

11

II Timothy 1:7 - "I Am Not Alone"

Yesterday when I came home from putting Mordecei down I was crushed with sorrow. Another loss within such a short time was overwhelming. Doc and I had discussed Mort's time getting closer but put off doing anything about it. I wish we would have done it while Doc was still with me but we didn't and there is nothing to do about it now. Mordecei's quality of life was deteriorating every day. With his eyes worsening he had falls and ran into things regularly. He was having accident issues in the house so I had to lock him in his crate when I was gone. The worst part of his life these last few months was the crying he did in his sleep. Up until a few days ago it was only at night but then the crying started during the day too. Some would say he 'was just a dog' but he was my companion through many things. Two cervical surgeries, multiple MS exacerbations, my Daddy's death, our move to South Carolina, Doc's health issues including the recent cancer and him leaving us...he was always there. Yesterday morning as I was sobbing he was there to love on me. As I held him when he took his final breath I was there loving on him just as I did the last eleven plus years. Dr. Brad used to tease me and say that I didn't have to worry about his expected life expectancy because he was 'pampered' and would live for years. I felt proud when the vet here said he was 'the healthiest geriatric bulldog' she had ever seen. We loved him so much and I will continue to keep him in my heart. He was probably one of the most traveled dogs ever especially in his first year of life. Swimming in the Atlantic Ocean at Folly Beach; visiting Nashville; seeing the Grand Canyon and all the states in between; hiking at Sedona, Arizona...oh my what a trip! He loved being with us just as much as we loved him being there. Yesterday when I was thinking about how quiet the house was without him snoring the Lord brought these words to my mind:

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me
I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear

God did not bring me this far for me to fail. I just want to go to bed and cover up my head which is basically what I did yesterday. I know I can't do that every day no matter how much my heart hurts. Why did life have to change so drastically? Why did Doc have to suffer fifteen months and not receive a miraculous healing on this earth? Why did my four-legged buddy have to leave me? Why, God? Why? I'm thankful for the reminder He gave me yesterday that I am not alone even through these tough days. He will be glorified through my days as I allow Him. He will give me exactly what I need as I allow Him. He will be with me every moment of the day as I allow Him. Plain and simple. He will be exactly who I need Him to be for me as I allow Him. I do not have to fear the future but instead can stand in the knowledge I know I will spend eternity with Him. I do not understand the 'why' for all this loss in my life but I know Who does and that is enough. I do not have to fear the days ahead but instead need to stand on II Timothy 1:7 in His empowerment! He is with me and will continue to see me through these days. I was thinking about how I used to sign cards with Doc's name, my name, and Mordecei's name with his bone stamp. Then it was just my name and Mort's. Now it is just my name. That saddens me but I cannot allow the sadness to take my focus off of what God has me left here to do.

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for loving me through another tough day yesterday! Thank You for the peace You gave me as Mordecei took his last breath! Thank You for Joanne who was with me and the way Dr. Guilloud helped the process to go easier than expected! Thank You for everyone who prayed me through yesterday! Thank You for the reminder that You are always with me and even though I am lonely I am never alone! Father, cleanse me so You can fill me to overflowing with more of You. May I have Your words, actions, attitude, and thoughts today in a new, different way. May You shine brightly through me and may people feel Your love through me. Father, I pray for Rick and his family with the loss of his mother. I also pray for Melanie for her appointment today. There are so many people going through tough days. May You be their strength just as You are mine. Father, I don't understand 'why' Doc had to suffer for fifteen months and then die but I know You have Your reasons. May You continue to teach me that I do not have to know all the reasons for what happens in life. Thank You for being My Enough! Amen.