Yesterday as I was frustrated with trying to get a follow-up appointment changed so Doc could go with me the tears came. Doc told me I had to not be fearful of the 'what ifs' but instead I needed to trust God. I do trust God but I am still emotional. I guess I need to pray for more self-control over my emotions because the tears begin every time I think about the biopsy on Monday. Do I believe He can heal me? Of course I do. He has in the past. He has healed me instantaneously, with medication, through doctors, through treatments, etc. But those times were not always easy. I must remember though that through those times I went deeper in my faith. Sometimes I wonder if I am so dense that I go through MS, breast cancer, etc. so He can take me deeper. Am I missing something that it takes such things for it to happen? Or is it that He is using me as an example for others to see how to depend upon Him no matter what? This morning I feel like a failure because the tears come so easily when I think about Monday. Where is my trust? Where is my faith? I feel like it is there and it is great yet the tears flow. What is wrong with me? Why am I falling apart? I need the empowerment of the Holy Spirit to encompass my being in a mighty way. I need to feel His peace greater than I ever have. I need His loving arms wrapped around me closer than I have ever felt them. I am grateful it is the weekend where I can be surrounded by family and friends and not have to think much about school, children/teen lessons, etc. I am grateful the sun will shine today but most importantly the Son will be shining down upon me. I am grateful for the strength the Lord will give me as He fills up my tank with His love.
Dear Jesus,
Thank You for Your love, mercy and grace. Thank You for the empowerment of Your Holy Spirit. Father, I am sorry for being weak. I don't mean to be. These emotions of mine seem so raw. I will admit I don't want to go through breast cancer again. I am sorry if it is part of Your plan to take me deeper or to be used as an example for someone else but I just don't want to go through it. I know Doc says I am not to fear something that may not happen but as a human it happens. I need more of Your strength. I need more of Your empowerment. Cleanse me and fill me. Wrap Your arms around me so I can feel Your strength in a mighty way. I need to feel stronger. I desire to be stronger. I pray for my friend who had uterine cancer surgery yesterday to have Your strength as she goes through treatments. I pray for You to be so real to her in these days. I also pray for Your strength for the two pastors going through cancer treatments. Lord, may they feel Your empowerment in a mighty way. Thank You Jesus for being My Healer. Amen.
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