II Timothy 1:7 - "Raise A Hallelujah"

Yesterday a dear friend gave me "Raise A Hallelujah" to listen to. Oh how I needed to be reminded of these words...

I raise a hallelujah, in the presence of my enemies
I raise a hallelujah, louder than the unbelief
I raise a hallelujah, my weapon is a melody
I raise a hallelujah, heaven comes to fight for me

I'm gonna sing, in the middle of the storm
Louder and louder, you're gonna hear my praises roar
Up from the ashes, hope will arise
Death is defeated, the King is alive!

I'm to the point in this storm with Doc's diagnosis with struggling to be strong. I'm not talking about physically or emotionally because that strength left a long time ago. I'm talking about spiritually. It is not where I want to be. I do not want to give the enemy any open door to tear me down. I know what I need to do but it is becoming extremely more difficult to praise God as I watch my husband suffer. I started reading a book yesterday about not losing my joy and the tears fell. The writer has been through hell on earth with a diagnosis with her two boys that will take their lives before they are even teens. One thing she wrote about was the importance of community. I agree with her on this subject. Even though I am hundreds of miles from family and many friends I still have a community to support me. I have some friends here that can physically support me such as neighbors who take care of our yard. I have church family here that support me with whatever I need. My social media support is phenomenal. I'm thankful to live in an age with such technology. I can remember when my Momma was going through health issues with my Daddy when I was a little girl. She was a state away from family and only had the telephone to communicate with. It wasn't like today where you have a cell phone to call whenever needed and it cost a lot of money. She had to watch how many minutes she was on the phone so the bill wouldn't be too high. She also had to wait until she got home to make the calls. I know I am blessed in so many ways even through this diagnosis. I am blessed that I am able to do what I'm doing to help Doc. I am blessed with my community of support. Most of all I am blessed in knowing I do not have to fear these days. God is in control. All I have to do is lean into His empowerment to be strong in Him. I know that. I know all of that. But it's getting so hard. I cannot stop living the way God has called me to live. I cannot allow the enemy any open door. I cannot stop hoping for 'good news' as long as Doc still has breathe. I must focus on living in His love more intentionally than ever before. I must not allow the 'I can't do this' thoughts into my head. I must not think of what may be ahead in the days to come but instead live in today. I must allow Him to use my tears to cleanse my broken heart. I'm an emotional wreck but I cannot allow my emotions to dictate my life. God is the only One who knows what is going on. He is the only One who knows the outcome. Therefore, I must continue to live in His presence so I can not only hear His voice but walk in obedience to it. I don't understand why we are dealing with pancreatic cancer and I may never know the reason. But I know who does know and I need to press into Him more than ever in these 'tough' days. Realistically I know there are tougher days ahead. If I don't lean into Him for these days, I will struggle even more when those days come. Lord, help me.

Dear Jesus,

I am trying, Lord. I am trying. I know You are here for me. I know You love me and know what I need. Lord, help me to press into You more. Cleanse me so You can fill me with more of You. Oh how I need more of You. Father, I know I can't 'do' these days without Your strength. Empower me with more of You. In the process, would You soothe my breaking heart? Would You love on us more than ever before? Would You give Doc exactly what he needs to get through these days? Father, we aren't the only ones going through such times. I pray for all who are dealing with disease in themselves or family members to be encouraged in some way today. Thank You for my support community. Thank You for all who are praying for us and encouraging us. Thank You for those who have helped us financially. Father, I am raising my hallelujah to You this morning. I am trying, Lord. You know that. May You be so close to me today as I try even harder. Thank You Jesus for being My Hallelujah! Amen.