Yesterday was a long emotional day. Leaving my Momma to come home was hard. Travel schedule was hard. Not having plans on being back in Ohio any time soon was hard. Coming home to an issue at the church building was hard. Walking into the house 'alone' was hard. Being exhausted was hard. I am so thankful for God being the center of my life and for the knowledge people are praying for me. I am thankful He is there in the 'good' and the 'hard' times of life. He blessed me in abundance with so many memories of my Rickey. I am so grateful for that. Now as the holidays are over and we all get back to 'normal' we have to figure out what 'normal' truly will look like. My new 'normal' does not include calls/texts from a man who showed great love to me. It does not include planning trips between South Carolina and Ohio to make more memories. It does not include a lot of things I became used to in my daily life. But it does include God who is here to once again get me through another loss. Yesterday on the plane as I worked on sermon I was taken to Psalm 1. The very first sentence of this Psalm in The Passion Translation blows me away. What delight comes to the one who follows God’s ways! 2021 brought great delight in my life through my relationship with Rickey. God brought great delight to me in a variety of ways. I delighted in daily conversations with him and the way he cared for me. I delighted in my role as lead pastor of my church. I delighted in ways God revealed Himself to me. Plain and simple. I experienced delight. Even though I did not feel delighted when Rickey took his last breath when I stopped to think about it I was delighted in knowing he is spending eternity in heaven. God blessed me in abundance throughout 2021 to love with His love including leading Rickey back into relationship with Him. He blessed me in abundance through the knowledge I touched many spiritual lives for Him. I am so thankful for this knowledge. I know the hurt will lessen. This is not my first time down the road of grief. What I need to do on this journey is allow Him to continue to guide every step I take and for me to keep my focus on Him. As I read and write this morning I am blessed with this picture on my wall. God knew Rickey was not going to be with us much longer when He had me buy it. Rickey always told me I took his breath away. When I bought this frame, I still had hope that he would not succumb to COVID but would pull out of it. I thought about how he could come to South Carolina to recuperate in the sunshine but instead God decided for him to be in the Sonshine! I am so blessed in the ways He blesses me through the 'hard' days. I know tears are part of this journey I am on. I also know I am thankful when I can hear a song and the ugly tears do not fall. That is what happened yesterday as I was driving home. Thank You Jesus!
The only scars in heaven, they won't belong to me and you
There'll be no such thing as broken and all the old will be made new
And the thought that makes me smile now even as the tears fall down
Is that the only scars in heaven are on the hands that hold you now
The first sentence of Psalm 1 in The Voice reads: God’s blessings follow you and await you at every turn. Praise His Holy Name! As long as I have breath on this earth I will be blessed. He desires to bless me and I desire to bless Him. This journey I am on is not one I would have chosen but it is where I am. I need to embrace it better and allow Him to work in and through me in the process. When I am lonely, I have great memories to think about.
Dear Jesus, Thank You for the words of Psalm 1! Thank You for being able to sing this song yesterday without the ugly tears falling! Thank You for people praying me through this journey! I pray for Anna, Michael, Matt, and myself as we find our new 'normal' without Rickey here. I pray we all will lean into Your strength and love. Father, cleanse me so You can fill me to overflowing with more of You. May You ooze out of my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts today in a mighty way. I'm not sure if I will leave the house but use me no matter what happens today. I pray for wisdom with the water situation at the building. I pray for people who know what to do to be put before me. When we were trying to get into the building, I often said 'let me preach, visit, etc. instead of dealing with building stuff.' Once again, I find myself saying this. I know You have a plan with this mess and I pray You will be glorified through all that is ahead. I praise You for Kaye going home today and doing so well. May You continue to be with the pain she is experiencing to be less. I thank You for Matt's pain lessening as he continues post-op. I pray for many going through 'hard' days to lean into You. My Momma; my sisters Linda, Sally, and Mary; Ben and Colleen; Pete and Delores; Steve; Tony and Madeline; Cait; Mike; Norma Hall; Carrie; Little Jensen who needs a heart; many with COVID; Sharon Sebolt; the Pottenger Family; Serena's husband; some young ladies with anxiety; a man in rehab for anger issues; a young man out of rehab who needs strength in his daily walk; a husband/father separated from his wife; Cyndi; and many others. I also pray healing prayers over many who are dealing with 'c' and/or going through treatments...Doug and Gay; Sharon's daughter Ashley and niece Amy; Chrissy's cousin; George and Sharon; Cait's friend with leukemia; my pastor friend with daily chemo; Elaine Stoltzfus; Tammie; and Little Ivy. Father, I also pray for a friend who is undergoing testing for possible mesothelioma. Lord, be so real to her in these days. I pray You will be close to Kim and Tammie today. My heart breaks with so many dealing with COVID in themselves and/or family members. May You guide the surgeon's hands for Coley's mother who is having surgery today. Lord, continue to give me what I need so I can be a beacon of light for You in this dark world. Thank You for being My Focus! Amen.
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