Yesterday was an awesome day celebrating my birthday! Rest in the morning, lunch at my favorite BBQ place, window shopping with my honey, having my Reece Cup cake when we got home, and ending the day with reading of Jesus' miracle at the wedding feast with prayer for Him to perform a miracle in Doc's body. I would say it was perfect except for all the ways the cancer stopped us in doing our 'normal' way of celebrating. We stayed out of the sun so that meant no beach day. We had to wait until the last moment to know if he would feel like eating or going anywhere. We made sure stores we went to had carts for him to lean on and we couldn't stay in any store very long. As soon as we got home, he went to bed. Even though these were not our 'normal,' God blessed us with a 'good' day. These days are not easy. Some are harder than others to get through. Ones like yesterday are a blessing yet in the back of our minds the 'what ifs?' come into play. The enemy loves to cause doubt. He loves to cause fear. He loves to cause chaos. We must stand upon II Timothy 1:7 and not allow Him any open door into our lives. When the doubts and fears begin, we must stand on the knowledge that God is with us. He will never leave us. This morning the words to a song The Afters is going through my mind...
I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.
Yes! I do have a 'broken hallelujah' right now. I cry a lot. I get frustrated with how lousy Doc feels. It is a roller coaster of emotions to get through some days. But at least I can still raise a 'broken hallelujah' to God. I want to be like Job who praised God even after all of the losses he endured.
Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and worshiped. And he said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD. In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong” (Job 1:20-22).
As I read these words, I thought about how Job got to 'rock bottom' in his life yet continued loving God. He knew God was with him and would always be. We know the same. We know God will use the pancreatic cancer to take us deeper in our faith as we allow Him to. We also know He is with us every step of the way. We do not have to do anything on our own strength. The 'secret' to this type of life is to stay living in His presence. God knows what we need, before we even need it. He knows our hurts. He knows the things that will bless us the most. Yesterday talking with Ben's five children was such a blessing. It made me feel a part of their life even though there are so many miles between. There is such a yearning in my heart to do life with my grand babies. Growing up there were many miles between me and my grandparents. One grandma stayed in touch by writing letters. I know that is 'old school' and maybe children today are too busy to write back but at least they would know I love them. They would read about what is happening in my life and how I want to be a part of their lives.
Dear Jesus,
Thank You for the blessings of yesterday and the ones ahead in this day! Father, You know the hurts of my heart. You also know the joys of my heart. May You be the Soothing Balm of all my emotions. May You be greater than my humanness today and every day. I pray for a cleansing in my spirit so You can fill me to overflowing with Yourself. I pray for my eyes, ears, and heart to be open to every opportunity You put before me. Lord, be with my babies and their babies today. Let them know I love them and miss them. Thank You for the call from Ben's children for my birthday. Thank You for the conversation we had together. What a blessing! Father, I pray Doc with have Your supernatural strength to not just get through this day but to enjoy the day ahead in whatever You have in store for him. Thank You Jesus for being My Soothing Balm! Amen.
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