The Lord woke me to a song Chris Tomlin sings called How Can I Keep From Singing. It goes...
How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing
I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives
Yes! I am so grateful for this reminder. I am grateful God loves me so much and is always with me. I am not alone. He is always with me. He sees my tears. He knows the hurts of my heart. Not only does He know all these things but He loves on me through them. He loves on me through people, His Word, songs, etc. He loves on me with exactly what I need. I miss Doc so much. Every 'first' is hard and I know the days ahead will be hard as I adjust to being without him. I don't like the terms that are put on me right now. Widow. Single. Alone. God reminded during the night I am not alone even though I am a widow. I may be considered single in the world's terms but I'm really not. He also reminded me through this song that when I start to feel down or lonely I just need to sing and lift my eyes to Him. Praise His Holy Name! This morning I was thinking about previous Septembers in our home. Several years ago I gave Doc a unique anniversary present. We didn't have much money so I had to get creative. My gift was the promise I would not put out fall decorations until after our anniversary on the 23rd. This was a big sacrifice for me because fall was my favorite season. Prior to that year I would pull the decorations out the first of the month. Fall was Doc's least favorite season because it meant winter was coming. After moving to South Carolina where winter is so wonderful I thought I could rescind my gift but he said no. LOL. September was also when we celebrated Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I loved hearing Doc blow the shofar. I always received such a blessing from it. Another aspect of Rosh Hashanah we did was to reflect back on the previous year and look to the new year just as in today's world New Year's is celebrated. I have such good memories of these times and for that I am so grateful. As I reflect on this past year my heart hurts for all the pain he went through but it rejoices on the memories made. I am so grateful we had time together over the last year pretty much 24/7. I am grateful even when he was physically drained we could still lay on the bed and watch TV or movies. I think of all the times I went to the church building to work on doors or whatever and he would go with me. He had left a mat, pillow, and blanket there so he could lay and watch me. Just two months ago he did a small drywall patch job there. He would work a bit then rest. Work a bit then rest. As the doctor said, he had a strong spirit. The reason he had that strong spirit was because He lived for the Lord. The reason I have a strong spirit is I live in the Lord's presence. I feel weak in my physical, mental, and emotional bodies right now. I feel like I can't go on but I know in my heart I can because He is my strength. He will not leave me in these dark days but instead will love on me with His love in a way that I can carry on. I just want to go home and go to bed. I am worn out from all the activities of these last two weeks. But I know God is with me and will give me exactly what I need to accomplish exactly what He desires. I must continue to stand upon II Timothy 1:7 in His love and empowerment.
Dear Jesus
Thank You for Your love, mercy, and grace! Thank You for memories! Thank You for all the ways You show Your love to me through people, Your word, songs, etc.! Thank You for being with me yesterday and for the day ahead! May You cleanse me so You can fill me. May You shine brightly through my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts. Lord, heal the hurts of my heart from Doc leaving this earth. I pray You will stay so very near to me as this journey is so, so hard. May Your strength be my strength. Thank You Jesus for being My Past, Present, and Future! Amen.
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