II Timothy 1:7 - "You Will Never Walk Alone"

I was awake so many times during the night with the thought of wanting to be home. I thought about it and realized two things. 'Home' on this earth is in South Carolina where Doc and I made our last one for the last four plus years. 'Home' in heaven is where he is. I want to be in both of these places. South Carolina was where my honey last did life with me. It is where we lived life together and made so many memories. The last six months was pretty much spent together 24/7. A lot of time when I went to the church building he went with me. He left a mat, cover, and pillow for the most recent times. It makes sense that is where feels like 'home' to me. It also makes sense that I long to be in heaven. Prior to him going on I prayed for the Lord to return so we could be there instead of living in the junk of this world. Now my prayer to be in heaven is even more intense. The words to a song Point of Grace sings called You Will Never Walk Alone are on my mind this morning...

You will never walk alone
As long as you have faith
Jesus will be right beside you all the way
And you may feel you’re far from home
But home is where He is
And He’ll be there down every road; you will never walk alone
Never, no never

I know I am not alone. Even if I do not have people around me I know God is always with me. I am thankful for the knowledge of His presence in my life. I am thankful for His loving arms around me during these tough days. I am thankful for the way He encourages me through people, His Word, music, etc. Plain and simple. I am thankful. Being thankful empowers me to keep my focus on Him. Without His love and empowerment (II Timothy 1:7) I would be a mess. I already somewhat feel like that with my mind not working fully, being extremely tired, etc. I am thankful I do not have to find out what life could be like if I did not have Him in the center. Right now as I am in Ohio I want to go 'home' to South Carolina. I'm sure in a few days when I get there I will yearn for heaven. I miss my honey so bad. It is just not right to not be doing life with him. But I know he is where he is enjoying life being pain free. I am kind of jealous of what he is experiencing. Until the Lord takes me home to heaven I need to walk in obedience to Him, living in His presence 24/7. When I do, I will receive the gift of going to my forever home. 

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for all the people who loved on me yesterday! My Momma, my sister Linda, Norma, Ricki, Jim and Susan Mankins, Carol Barnett, Terry Mosley, Doug and Shirley Anderson. Thank You for their visits, food, etc.! Thank You for the way You continue to encourage me to put one foot in front of the other when I feel like I can't continue on. Cleanse me so You can fill me so I can walk in obedience to You today. Heal the hurts of my heart. Open up my mind to what and where You so desire me to be so I can live with You for eternity. Father, be with Elizabeth as she has surgery today. May she feel Your presence in a mighty way. Thank You for the healing that is occurring in Baby Willow! May her parents also feel Your presence. Thank You for giving safe travels to Paul, Miss Bella and Liz; Adam, Rachel, and Miss Aiya; and any others traveling today. Father, You know how bad I miss Doc and You also know I would never wish him back with the suffering he was experiencing. May You continue to empower me through this new journey I am on. I pray for Mordecei to function better today and for my phone to charge. I pray for no distractions that will take my focus off of You! Thank You Father for being My Empowerment! Amen. 

II Timothy 1:7; Numbers 6:24-26 - "How Can I Keep From Singing"

The Lord woke me to a song Chris Tomlin sings called How Can I Keep From Singing. It goes...

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

Yes! I am so grateful for this reminder. I am grateful God loves me so much and is always with me. I am not alone. He is always with me. He sees my tears. He knows the hurts of my heart. Not only does He know all these things but He loves on me through them. He loves on me through people, His Word, songs, etc. He loves on me with exactly what I need. I miss Doc so much. Every 'first' is hard and I know the days ahead will be hard as I adjust to being without him. I don't like the terms that are put on me right now. Widow. Single. Alone. God reminded during the night I am not alone even though I am a widow. I may be considered single in the world's terms but I'm really not. He also reminded me through this song that when I start to feel down or lonely I just need to sing and lift my eyes to Him. Praise His Holy Name! This morning I was thinking about previous Septembers in our home. Several years ago I gave Doc a unique anniversary present. We didn't have much money so I had to get creative. My gift was the promise I would not put out fall decorations until after our anniversary on the 23rd. This was a big sacrifice for me because fall was my favorite season. Prior to that year I would pull the decorations out the first of the month. Fall was Doc's least favorite season because it meant winter was coming. After moving to South Carolina where winter is so wonderful I thought I could rescind my gift but he said no. LOL. September was also when we celebrated Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I loved hearing Doc blow the shofar. I always received such a blessing from it. Another aspect of Rosh Hashanah we did was to reflect back on the previous year and look to the new year just as in today's world New Year's is celebrated. I have such good memories of these times and for that I am so grateful. As I reflect on this past year my heart hurts for all the pain he went through but it rejoices on the memories made. I am so grateful we had time together over the last year pretty much 24/7. I am grateful even when he was physically drained we could still lay on the bed and watch TV or movies. I think of all the times I went to the church building to work on doors or whatever and he would go with me. He had left a mat, pillow, and blanket there so he could lay and watch me. Just two months ago he did a small drywall patch job there. He would work a bit then rest. Work a bit then rest. As the doctor said, he had a strong spirit. The reason he had that strong spirit was because He lived for the Lord. The reason I have a strong spirit is I live in the Lord's presence. I feel weak in my physical, mental, and emotional bodies right now. I feel like I can't go on but I know in my heart I can because He is my strength. He will not leave me in these dark days but instead will love on me with His love in a way that I can carry on. I just want to go home and go to bed. I am worn out from all the activities of these last two weeks. But I know God is with me and will give me exactly what I need to accomplish exactly what He desires. I must continue to stand upon II Timothy 1:7 in His love and empowerment.

Dear Jesus

Thank You for Your love, mercy, and grace! Thank You for memories! Thank You for all the ways You show Your love to me through people, Your word, songs, etc.! Thank You for being with me yesterday and for the day ahead! May You cleanse me so You can fill me. May You shine brightly through my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts. Lord, heal the hurts of my heart from Doc leaving this earth. I pray You will stay so very near to me as this journey is so, so hard. May Your strength be my strength. Thank You Jesus for being My Past, Present, and Future! Amen.

II Timothy 1:7; Philippians 4:13; Luke 2 - "You're Beautiful"

I shared with a friend last night how I am so sad. When I think about never making any more memories with Doc, I cry. Tears are part of the healing process and I am thankful for them. My friend shared how they were told when a spouse dies a part of you is gone. When you are married, you become one. When one of you dies, there is only half of you left. It is difficult to function. I can relate to this. I feel like part of me is gone. I feel like I'm not all here which is exactly what has happened. One thing they told me last night was "the life you had together has influenced who you are!" I pondered upon that. Yes! Praise His Holy Name! Doc's teaching was something I never took advantage of. He had more knowledge than I could ever hope for. He always amazed me with not only his biblical knowledge but also his ability to remember things such as the facts we heard when we went on the carriage ride in Beaufort. He could have become a tour guide himself and enjoyed taking friends and family around telling them about our  little place in the world. This picture was taken on our trip to Israel. It was the second time for him. He shared so much with me beyond what the tour guide shared. His dream was to go to Israel to study. I was thinking about how now he is where he is experiencing the Lord face-to-face. Wow! "The life you had together has influenced who you are!" I must not only continue on my walk with the Lord but I must continue to be a learner so I can gain as much of God on this earth as possible. When I do, I will experience the Lord just as Doc is doing now. How do I continue on without him? I'm not sure but I know it hurts. Yesterday going to Michael's Bakery for our traditional cream stick made the tears flow. I didn't even realize how such a thing would effect me. It's at the oddest times the tears start. I must remember it's ok and continue on. I also must remember God is with me and will give me exactly what I need to get through each and every day. Standing on His promises such as II Timothy 1:7 and Philippians 4:13 encourage me greatly. The battle of pancreatic cancer in Doc's body is over. Praise His Holy Name! I would not wish him back to this earth suffering for anything. I am thankful for all the memories we made and will treasure them. I was thinking about Mary's story in Luke 2. She didn't understand what was happening with her Son But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart (vs 19). I will remember. I will treasure. I will ponder. As I do these things, I will allow God to direct me on my new journey. I will allow the tears to fall as He uses them to comfort me. I will allow Him to keep my focus on Him so nothing can pull me from His presence. I desire for Him to be glorified through my life. That cannot happen if I am not sold-out completely to Him. It cannot happen if I allow Doc leaving this earth to be a distraction instead of a growth experience in my spiritual being. Day twelve is ahead of me on this new journey. I have the choice to make if the day ahead will be one where I walk in His strength or if I allow the enemy to pull my focus off of Him. I have the choice to make to allow God to wrap His arms around me through another day or try to do life on my own. I choose God. I choose His strength. I choose to make Him and Doc proud of me.

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for friends who encourage me so greatly! Thank You for another day of life! Thank You for Your Word that encourages me so greatly! Thank You for cleansing me so You can fill me with more of You! May You shine brightly through my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts today. May my life show You to others in a way that will make You and Doc proud of me. Lord, I pray for the day ahead to be one where You will be glorified through me. I also pray for so many people in my little world who are hurting. Physical, mental, emotional, financial, and spiritual hurts. May You be greater than their hurts. May You shower them with Your love in a way they will know it is You. I pray for Your love, grace, and mercy to flow in abundance to them. I continue to pray for my four-legged buddy who is struggling. Thank You Jesus for being My Beautiful! Amen.

II Timothy 1:7 - "Blessings"

 

Yesterday I was struggling even after my devotions. I told Linda I just felt like crying. With not sleeping well the night before I was not ready to face another day of travel. I knew I needed to fill myself up with more of the Lord so I cranked up the radio and began singing along. There were so many songs that blessed me in abundance but Laura Story's "Blessings" really blessed me. 

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not
This is not our home

Praise His Holy Name for the knowledge that this is not our home! Praise His Holy Name for the knowledge that I will see my honey again! Praise His Holy Name for always providing exactly what I need when I need it! Yesterday falling into Ben's arms and crying was what I needed. Spending a little time with him and his family was what I needed. Emily's hug was what I needed. Hearing "Grandma Sheila!" was what I needed. Praise His Holy Name! My heart is broken. I miss my honey so, so much. Life is just so different without him here with me. I am thankful for the Lord's presence in my life. I am thankful for the encouragement He gives me through people, His Word, music, etc. I am thankful that He is with me on this new journey. It is definitely one I would not have chose but it is the one I am on. I must stay in His presence so my focus can stay on Him. I cannot allow the enemy one little bit of leeway into my life. I must stand upon II Timothy 1:7 in a mighty way to stay where I need to continue living. I don't know what blessings will come my way but I do know there will be blessings on this lonely journey without Doc. I don't know where the Lord will take me but I know He will continue to guide me as I allow Him. I don't know what my future holds but I know who holds it. These things I am sure of because I am sure of His love for me.

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for the safe travels You provided for us and especially for burning off the fog! Thank You for my time with Ben, Emily, and the kids yesterday! Thank You for Linda Gossard and Mary Saunders who provided food! Thank You for getting me through another 'first' without Doc! Thank You for tears and for laughter that keep me going! Thank You for loving me so greatly that You will cleanse me so I can shine bright today for You! May You ooze out of my words, actions, thoughts, and attitude today in a new, different way! Lord, I pray for Marcia and her family with their loss. I pray You will be so real to them. I also pray for Your realness to be realized by those who continue to go through natural disasters such as the forest fires and another hurricane. I pray for healing upon Kaye and Tom with their injuries. Lord, I pray for Mordecei. I ask that You help him as he is struggling physically. I pray he continues to be with me through these tough days but Father if that is not to be then I pray for an added dose of Your strength. Thank You Jesus for being The One To Bless Me! Amen.

II Timothy 1:7; Numbers 6:24-26 - "The Blessing"

As I look at this picture I think of what it represents. It was taken the night of my ordination interview. Doc and I were so excited because the date of August 2 had been set for the ordination service. We prayed he would be strong enough for him to walk me down the aisle. Prior to August 2 I received the call from Pastor Greg Pressley that the service was cancelled. I was devastated. 'Why, God?' I just wanted Doc to walk me down the aisle for my ordination. 'Why, God? We both cried as we talked about the situation but we were 'ok' with it despite being disappointed. We knew God was in control even though we didn't understand it. We didn't know that weekend was going to be a tough one for him and he wouldn't have been able to go anyway. We knew God knew what was best and we also knew we had to accept that. But as human beings it was a hard thing to accept. I am so thankful for our great faith that kept us going during the fifteen months of the journey with the cancer in Doc's body. I am grateful for the hope I have in seeing Doc again. The words of Numbers 3:24-26 encourage me to keep my focus on Him and to allow Him to bless me in the days ahead. I can't even begin to fathom what life will be like without my honey. I can't imagine what it will be like when planning services, having friends and family with me, etc. is over and 'real' life begins. How will I get through the loneliness ahead? How will I learn to eat meals alone? Who will I ask my 'Pastor Doc' questions? I pray people will shower me with God's love, mercy, and grace in the days ahead. I pray for God to continue to remind He is in control. I pray as the 'firsts' come along He will bless me with His peace. This first trip back to Ohio is not the easiest thing to do but I am blessed through it. The last time we went Doc slept a lot on a blow up mattress in the back seat. We stopped frequently for him to be sick. But we made a lot of good memories on the trip both between us and with family. I will treasure those memories. The words of The Blessing that Kari Jobe sings come right from the Scripture. I am thankful for the knowledge that as I stand in His love and empowerment as II Timothy 1:7 tells us of I will receive His peace. He is still in control. He is the Pilot of this storm that continues to be a part of my life.

The Lord bless you
And keep you
Make His face shine upon you
And be gracious to you
The Lord turn His
Face toward you
And give you peace

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for the safe travels we have had so far and for safe travels as we continue on today! Thank You for the way You used me yesterday to present Your Word! Thank You for those who responded! Thank You for everything fitting into the truck for our trip! Thank You for continuing to bless me through others! Thank You for loving me so greatly! Thank You for going before me and opening doors that need opened for my healing! Thank You for continuing to keep my focus on You! Father, cleanse me so You can fill me. May You shine brightly through my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts today. May people hear/see You instead of me. Lord, I pray for a family who are dealing with their teen son's suicide. May they seek You for wisdom. May they feel Your Holy presence in a mighty way. My heart breaks for them. I also continue to pray for Billy as he is on his new path without Regina. I think of my friend whose husband has left her. I pray for him to come back to You so their marriage will be reconciled. I pray for Mordecei's stomach to settle down, especially as we travel. Lord, be greater than the hurts of life. I miss Doc so much! Be greater than the hurts of our hearts. Thank You Jesus for being My Pilot! Amen.

II Timothy 1:7; Psalm 3 - "Words"

Last night was Saturday night so it was my night to pray for pastors. I was pretty tired after a long day but God woke me once to pray. Once again He had me pray for pastors who would be directed to preach something different than they had prepared. He had me pray for them to not only be open to the prompting of the Holy Spirit but to be 'ok' with it. He said some are resistant to changing at the last moment because they think it is them thinking it instead of the Spirit actually telling them. I also prayed for Pastor Sam who blessed me in abundance with Doc's service yesterday. I prayed for blessings upon him and Candy's family, his ministry, and him personally. I cannot imagine what a District Superintendent goes through as he pastors pastors. What a great responsibility God has given them. I prayed for myself as I preach this morning and as I continue the ministry Doc and I started four plus years ago. I prayed for wisdom and direction. I also prayed for His love to ooze out of me in a mighty way. God took me to Psalm 3 this morning. David wrote this about his enemies. He wrote a lot on this subject. I don't feel like I have many enemies at this point in life but I know anyone who loves the Lord has the greatest enemy of all in satan. The last two verses give the 'secret of strength' per The Passion Translation. They read:

7 I simply cry out to you:
“Rise up and help me, Lord! Come and save me!”
And you will slap them in the face,
breaking the power of their words to harm me.
 My true hero comes to my rescue,
for the Lord alone is my Savior.
What a feast of favor and bliss he gives his people!
Pause in his presence

Woo hoo! God will protect me from those who try to harm me. I find it interesting to see He will protect me from their words. Sometimes words are more harmful than actions. The song Words by Hawk Nelson comes to my mind....

Words can build you up
Words can break you down
Start a fire in your heart or
Put it out

Let my words be life
Let my words be truth
I don't wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You

So, so true. I desire to build people up with my words not tear them down. The only way that will be accomplished is to live in God's presence 24/7, listening to Him, and walking in obedience to Him. I'm so grateful for the way He uses me to be a beacon of light for Him. I'm so grateful for the way He guides me and gives me opportunities to love with His love. He is such a good, good God.

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for the way You directed the celebration of Doc's life yesterday here in South Carolina! Thank You for my tribe here in South Carolina! What a surprise to have Justin Schneider with us! Thank You for tears and thank You for laughter!  Thank You for those who participated: Pastor Sam, my sister Linda, Anthony, Darrell, Carol, Mike, and Pastor Leslie! Thank You for those who provided food and/or helped with the lunch afterward! Thank You for blessing me with words from Doc through Pastor Sam that I had never heard before! Thank You for waking me during the night to pray for pastors! Thank You for being with me as I preach today! Cleanse me so You can fill me to overflowing with more of You. May You shine brightly through me. I pray for you to be with Miss MaryJo as she leads worship in her church for the first time this morning. May she experience your peace and allow You to flow from her. I pray for so many people who are going through tough days. Elizabeth, Chuck and JoAnne, Nicole Cavinee, David Laurila, and so many others. May You be so very real to them and meet their needs. I pray for traveling mercies for us over the next couple of days. Thank You for being My True Hero! Amen.

II Timothy 1:7; Psalm 121 - "I Will Lift My Eyes"

Yesterday was a 'weepy' day as I thought about Doc's last day on this earth. It was the anniversary of his 'first' week of leaving. I had to remember he is no longer suffering. His last morning was spent with us using the suction machine. He was no longer communicating with us but I continued to talk to him. I sang for him and prayed over him. Those moments will always be so precious in my memories even though it hurt to see him like that. Today we will celebrate his life here. I want to celebrate because I know he has a new body and no longer is suffering. I know there are COVID19 concerns and I pray people will do as God directs them on whether they participate in the service or not. I don't expect people to come to either service who are staying away from others. I hope they understand I did the services now instead of waiting because I needed to for myself. I don't want people to think I am being selfish. I know I prayed for direction and God provided. I am so thankful for His direction. Yesterday Junior gave Linda Psalm 121. In The Passage Translation it reads:

I look up to the mountains and hills, longing for God’s help.
But then I realize that our true help and protection
come only from the Lord,
our Creator who made the heavens and the earth.
3 He will guard and guide me, never letting me stumble or fall.
God is my keeper; he will never forget nor ignore me.
4 He will never slumber nor sleep;
he is the Guardian-God for his people, Israel.
5 Jehovah himself will watch over you;
he’s always at your side to shelter you safely in his presence.
6 He’s protecting you from all danger both day and night.
7 He will keep you from every form of evil or calamity
as he continually watches over you.
8 You will be guarded by God himself.
You will be safe when you leave your home
and safely you will return.
He will protect you now,
and he’ll protect you forevermore!

Praise His Holy Name for the promises found in these verses. He is my True Help. He is my Protection. He is My Creator. He is My Keeper. He is My Guardian. He is the One to Keep Me Safe. Woo hoo! This new journey I am on is no surprise to God. He knows what I need to continue walking with Him through it. He knows what I need to not just survive but to thrive. He knows what I need to continue walking in His presence as I live a life of obedience to Him. Plain and simple. He knows. I do not have to know the details but instead must allow Him to guide me through every moment of every day. That will be the only way I will be able to live the live He desires of me. I must stand upon II Timothy 1:7 in a more intentional way so the enemy does not have any foothold in my life. I love the promise found in verse eight of Psalm 121. You will be safe when you leave your home and safely you will return. He will protect you now, and He'll protect you forevermore! Yes! There is a mezuzah at my front door that reminds me of my relationship with God. At the door going into the garage there is a cross-stitch of the Shema. Both my coming and going are represented as being in the Lord's hands. I know He is with me and I know He will protect me from everything that will try to deter my focus from Him. Praise His Holy Name!

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for being so real to me throughout the day yesterday as I struggled with it being a week since Doc left me! Thank You for Paul's call that came at the time of his last breathe on this earth! Thank You for my sister Linda being here with me to get through these tough days! Thank You for the promises of Your Word that You had Junior share with her last night! Thank You for Chris who came over to take care of a couple tasks yesterday! Thank You for financial blessings! Thank You for cleansing me so You can fill me with more of You! Father, I don't want to just survive these days but I desire to thrive for You through them. I feel like I've been hit by a mack truck as Doc used to say. My body wants/needs rest and I'm grateful for what You provided for me yesterday. Lord, continue to be with so many who are hurting. May Your will be accomplished in their life. May You be greater than their hurts. May You be their strength and if they are not in relationship with You I pray someone will say/do whatever it takes to show them You are the Way to live on this earth if they desire to live for eternity. I pray for doctors to have wisdom as Nikki is in so much pain and as David continues his journey. Lord, may Your supernatural strength be realized today not only for myself but for everyone as we gather for a celebration of Doc's life. Thank You Jesus for being My Guardian! Amen.