I shared with a friend last night how I am so sad. When I think about never making any more memories with Doc, I cry. Tears are part of the healing process and I am thankful for them. My friend shared how they were told when a spouse dies a part of you is gone. When you are married, you become one. When one of you dies, there is only half of you left. It is difficult to function. I can relate to this. I feel like part of me is gone. I feel like I'm not all here which is exactly what has happened. One thing they told me last night was "the life you had together has influenced who you are!" I pondered upon that. Yes! Praise His Holy Name! Doc's teaching was something I never took advantage of. He had more knowledge than I could ever hope for. He always amazed me with not only his biblical knowledge but also his ability to remember things such as the facts we heard when we went on the carriage ride in Beaufort. He could have become a tour guide himself and enjoyed taking friends and family around telling them about our little place in the world. This picture was taken on our trip to Israel. It was the second time for him. He shared so much with me beyond what the tour guide shared. His dream was to go to Israel to study. I was thinking about how now he is where he is experiencing the Lord face-to-face. Wow! "The life you had together has influenced who you are!" I must not only continue on my walk with the Lord but I must continue to be a learner so I can gain as much of God on this earth as possible. When I do, I will experience the Lord just as Doc is doing now. How do I continue on without him? I'm not sure but I know it hurts. Yesterday going to Michael's Bakery for our traditional cream stick made the tears flow. I didn't even realize how such a thing would effect me. It's at the oddest times the tears start. I must remember it's ok and continue on. I also must remember God is with me and will give me exactly what I need to get through each and every day. Standing on His promises such as II Timothy 1:7 and Philippians 4:13 encourage me greatly. The battle of pancreatic cancer in Doc's body is over. Praise His Holy Name! I would not wish him back to this earth suffering for anything. I am thankful for all the memories we made and will treasure them. I was thinking about Mary's story in Luke 2. She didn't understand what was happening with her Son But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart (vs 19). I will remember. I will treasure. I will ponder. As I do these things, I will allow God to direct me on my new journey. I will allow the tears to fall as He uses them to comfort me. I will allow Him to keep my focus on Him so nothing can pull me from His presence. I desire for Him to be glorified through my life. That cannot happen if I am not sold-out completely to Him. It cannot happen if I allow Doc leaving this earth to be a distraction instead of a growth experience in my spiritual being. Day twelve is ahead of me on this new journey. I have the choice to make if the day ahead will be one where I walk in His strength or if I allow the enemy to pull my focus off of Him. I have the choice to make to allow God to wrap His arms around me through another day or try to do life on my own. I choose God. I choose His strength. I choose to make Him and Doc proud of me.
Dear Jesus,
Thank You for friends who encourage me so greatly! Thank You for another day of life! Thank You for Your Word that encourages me so greatly! Thank You for cleansing me so You can fill me with more of You! May You shine brightly through my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts today. May my life show You to others in a way that will make You and Doc proud of me. Lord, I pray for the day ahead to be one where You will be glorified through me. I also pray for so many people in my little world who are hurting. Physical, mental, emotional, financial, and spiritual hurts. May You be greater than their hurts. May You shower them with Your love in a way they will know it is You. I pray for Your love, grace, and mercy to flow in abundance to them. I continue to pray for my four-legged buddy who is struggling. Thank You Jesus for being My Beautiful! Amen.
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