As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?
I don't want to live in fear
I want to trust that You are near
Trust Your grace can be seen
In both triumph and tragedy
I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go
Yesterday was not one of my 'best' days. I only had three hours of sleep the night before so I was tired which made me emotional. In the afternoon when I realized it was eight weeks ago yesterday morning that Doc said 'I love you' for the last time the ugly tears flowed and the sobbing did not want to stop. After I finally got myself under control I felt so agitated. I prayed and asked God to give me His peace. I went for a walk but cut it short when the tears started as I thought about how Doc's last weeks we tried to walk every night. He would push the rolator with his pain pump and push himself to get to the end of the street and back. So many times he told me he didn't want to leave this earth. He did not want to leave me. He wanted to see the grand babies grow up and have their own babies. He also told me he would be the one of us to die first and that I needed to continue on with life. He wanted me to not be sad because he was going to be in a better place and I would join in when it was my time. He always reminded me that I am a 'McHenry' so I was tough. Our talks hold a special place in my heart but it still aches. A friend helped me through the evening by talking with me last night. They lost their spouse a few years ago so can relate to a lot I am going through. They said, "At first the memories sadden our hearts but someday they will be wonderful memories." That statement gives me hope for the future. It reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11-13. The Lord gave the exiled ones hope for their future. He told them they would not remain in the state of being exiled. Doc had the hope of receiving healing from cancer. He knew if his healing did not happen on this earth then it would in heaven when he was given a new body. I have the hope of God healing my heart with him no longer being with me. I have the hope in the knowledge I will see him again. There is a part of this song that I really cannot relate to and pray I never do get to this point.
But sometimes my faith feels thin
Like the night will never end
Will You catch every tear
Or will You just leave me here?
My faith is stronger today than it has ever been. God continues to give me exactly what I need every moment of the day. When the tears fall and the sobbing happens, it is His way of healing my spirit. I know He is always with me and for that I am grateful.
Dear Jesus,
Thank You for Your love that showered down upon me so greatly! Thank You for the tears that are part of the healing of my broken heart! Thank You for my tribe who love on me so well! Thank You for the words to this song and to Jeremiah 29:11-13 that give me hope! Thank You for Doc realizing healing with his new body! Thank You for me finally having a ten hour night of sleep! Thank You for cleansing me so You can fill me to overflowing with more of You! May You be my words, actions, attitude, and thoughts in a more intentional way today than ever before. May You shine brightly through me so everyone who I meet will realize Your love through me. Lord, I don't know what today holds but I know You do. May You continue to guide my steps and be so real to me so You can be so real to others. Thank You for answering my prayers with waking me up to what You desire of me to preach for the Christmas season! I am looking forward to working on it just as I look forward to gathering what You desire for every sermon. I pray sermon preparation will never become a 'chore' as I have heard some pastors say. Lord, I pray for those who are living on the streets to stay warm, have food, and people who love on them to give them hope. Thank You Jesus for being My Hope! Amen.
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