II Timothy 1:7; Jeremiah 29:11-16 - "Thy Will"

The tears have been flowing off and on since Doc's appointment yesterday. I know he is a walking miracle with passing the one year mark with the cancer in his pancreas. I desire to see God preform a miraculous healing in his body while he is on this earth, sooner than later. Most importantly I want God's will for us. The song Thy Will that Hilary Scott sings is going through my mind as I try to grasp this situation.

I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

The desire of my heart is to live out His will. To do this I must  continue to lean into Him and allow the Holy Spirit to empower me just as Paul instructs in II Timothy 1:7. I am not fearful of what is ahead. Just sad. I will not give up praying for a miracle. As Doc has said many times, 'as long as I have breath there is hope.' I'm grateful for this self-quarantine time where I do not have to be out and about. It's so hard to be 'ok' in this time. I'm grateful for people who send texts or messages on Facebook without expecting a reply. It is taking every ounce of my energy to put one foot in front of the other. I sure don't feel like I have the strength to answer questions. God is so good at giving me what I need, when I need it. I do not know how people get through the 'tough' times of life without Him. I'm struggling as it is even with my faith. I struggle with the promises of healing in His Word when we have prayed and prayed and prayed and it hasn't happened. I struggle with the promise of Jeremiah 29:11-14 of being brought out of captivity when we seek Him. Pancreatic cancer has taken Doc's body captive. It has taken our life captive. We have prayed and prayed for healing in his body yet it seems to be winning in this fight. 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

I'm struggling with this but I know God will continue to be my strength through these days. I know He will reveal to me what I need to know when I need to know it. I also know He is with me especially when I am falling apart emotionally. 

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for Your love! Thank You for the way You strengthen me in these 'tough' days! Thank You for continuing to give us what we need emotionally! Father, cleanse me of anything not of You so You can fill me to overflowing with more of You. May You become more real to Doc and I than ever before as this path with the cancer has taken a turn. Lord, I continue to pray for him to be healed of this disease while on this earth, sooner than later. I pray for Your will to be realized and for You to be glorified through it. Thank You for being My Strength! Amen.