Yesterday was 'one of those days' where it seemed like every time I turned around the tears were falling. I decided I was feeling strong enough to go get a gallon of milk and go to the bank. As I was driving down the road the tears began. I prayed for God to give me His strength. It was like I was afraid to be out and about. I could not make sense of the way I was feeling. When I prayed, the tears subsided and the song "Heaven Help Me" that Zach Williams sings came on the radio. It reminded me I am not alone in anything I do. He is there for me.
Help me, help me
'Cause I can't walk this road alone
And I can't do this on my own
Tell me, tell me
I just need to hear You say
That everything will be okay
When I don't understand
When I don't I think I can
I know You have a plan
Heaven help me
Heaven help me
What a blessing this song was to me throughout the rest of the day. I honestly did not know if I was going to make it out of Wal-Mart. I got in the car and took off the mask that I was struggling with it and it was as if the Lord told me, "I am Your breath. Daughter, you must allow me to be everything in your life." I sat there and thought about the conversation in Sunday School about how we need to give Him everything. It is not just about our money but also our time, family, circumstances, etc. I have prayed throughout this ordeal of COVID for God's strength. I have prayed for Him to keep it from 'being too bad.' My prayers have been continual but yet yesterday He had to remind me I had to give Him everything. I don't think I'm holding onto anything but it made me stop and think. I know I will be praying more about it. I am so thankful for the way He was with me to get me home. After eating lunch I thought I would go for my second walk but realized I needed to rest instead. Baby steps. That is what it is going to take to get back to 'normal.' I remember times of going through MS exasperations and having to do physical or water therapy to get my strength back. I also remember how I would think I was never going to be back to 'normal' again but of course it always happened. Sometimes it took therapy and sometimes it took time. In 2016 God performed a miracle in my body to bring me out of one. I have a history that God has woven. My story is one with many mountains and many valleys but the constant is God was/is always with me. Woo hoo! Psalm 18 is David's story. He shows great confidence in knowing God is with Him. I love how he starts the Psalm proclaiming his love for the Lord. That is the desire of my heart. The more I love Him the more I will realize what He desires of me. Matthew Henry wrote of this Psalm:
The first words of the psalm, I will love thee, O Lord! my strength, are here prefixed as the scope and contents of the whole. Love to God is the first and great commandment of the law, because it is the principle of all our acceptable praise and obedience; and this use we should make of all the mercies God bestows upon us, our hearts should thereby be enlarged in love to him.
Yes! God's love saw me through many 'tough' days in the sixteen months of Doc's pancreatic cancer. It saw me through the last forty eight hours with him having a stroke. It saw me through watching him take his last breath. Even though I did not want him to leave this earth we both knew it was time. Fast forward to fifteen months later and watching my Rickey leave this earth was tough. He had quickly became a part of my life even though we were seven hundred miles apart. I don't understand the 'whys?' of either of them leaving but I know God knows and that is all that matters. I also know God loves me greatly and is with me every moment of the day. I don't know the rest of my story and I am thankful to not know it. I know the Author and look forward to see how my story works out as long as He has me on this earth.
Dear Jesus, Thank You for Your strength and wisdom yesterday! Thank You for constantly being with me and providing exactly what I need! Having "Heaven Help Me" on the radio and throughout the day having it on my mind reminded me I am not alone. Woo hoo! Father, cleanse me so You can fill me to overflowing with more of You. Lord, there are so many going through 'tough' days. I pray they will realize they are not alone. My Momma; my sisters Linda, Sally, and Mary; my brother Richard; Ben and Colleen; Tony and Madeline; Pete and Delores; Steve; Cade and Lauren; Cait; Mike; Norma Hall; Little Jensen who needs a heart; Sharon Sebolt and her Momma Shirley; the Pottenger Family; Serena and her husband; some young ladies with anxiety; a man in rehab for anger issues; a young man out of rehab who needs strength in his daily walk; a husband/father separated from his wife; Mary Lilley; Kristen Batten; Preacher Bill Watts; those with COVID either themselves or in their family; and many others. I also pray healing prayers over many who are dealing with 'c' and/or going through treatments...Doug and Gay; Patty's daughter Tracy; Sharon's daughter Ashley and niece Amy; Chrissy's cousins; George and Sharon; Cait's friend with leukemia; my pastor friend with daily chemo; Elaine Stoltzfus; Patti Perkins; Tammie; Little Ivy and Dorothy's grandson with leukemia; Betty's friend in New York' and my friend diagnosed with mesothelioma. I pray for: Jonathan whose mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor; a set of twins who were born premature; Baby Henry; and Kenny and Terri as Kenneth is deployed. Oh Lord, be so close to these families. Thank You Lord for being with Anna, Michael, Matt, and myself in these days without my Rickey with us. Some days just seem to be harder than others. Lord, be greater than the hurts of life. Thank You for the news yesterday of the healthy baby boy born to the Momma in premature labor! Thank You for being The Author of My Story! Amen.
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