Yesterday was probably one of the 'toughest' days I have experienced. It was not a 'first' so it didn't make sense why it was so hard to get through. When it was Doc's birthday, I enjoyed thinking of how much he enjoyed life. On holidays I enjoy thinking of how we spent ones when he was on this earth. This anniversary made me so sad. I woke up this morning with the tears close again. Yesterday as I sat in the airport the tears flowed. I know tears are healing. I know God uses tears to get us through 'tough' times. I know God is with me. I know these things yet the sadness is overwhelming. A song Ryan Stevenson sings called "When We Fall Apart" came on the radio on the way to the airport yesterday and I thought I was going to have to pull over as the ugly tears fell.
It's ok to cry
It's ok to fall apart
You don't have to try
To be strong when you are not
And it may take sometime to make sense of all your thoughts
But don't ever fight your tears
'Cause there is freedom in every drop
Sometimes the only way to heal a broken heart is when we fall apart
I thought about how I must really be receiving a healing with as many tears that fell. Yesterday I asked God to be my strength and He was. I asked Him to get me through the day and He did. I asked Him to empower me so I didn't just get through the day but glorify Him in the process and He did. He is such a good, good God. He loves me so. I have said it before and I will say it again. I do not know how people get through life without Him. As I start another day, I once again am dealing with sadness. I should not feel sad with my present circumstances. I was at my Momma's overnight, I saw my brother for the first time in years, I get to be with friends later today to prepare to officiate my first wedding tomorrow, I'm meeting Rickey for lunch...the list goes on and on of blessings. But I still feel sad. I am sad for all the things that will never be. I am sad for all the people who will never experience learning under Doc's ministry. I am sad the grand babies will never experience any more Papa Doc moments to remember, I do not want to be sad. I pray God gets me through this time with greater insight into how to love with His love when I face people going through such times as this. We cannot completely understand what someone goes through but if we have gone through it ourselves it gives us insight.
Dear Jesus, Thank You for being with me yesterday every step of the way! Thank You for the encouragement I received through texts, posts, calls, etc.! Thank You for getting to see my Momma and brother! Thank You for the opportunity You have given me to minister in a new way! Cleanse me so You can fill me to overflowing with more of You. May I be Your hands and feet today in a great way. May people see/hear You through me. Lord, I do not want to be sad nor do I want the tears to flow so much but I know You are with me and for that I am grateful. Use this time in my life to help me see how to love hurting people better. My heart breaks for so many going through 'tough' days and I pray they know You are with them. My Momma; my sisters Linda, Sally, and Mary; Ben and Colleen; Scott; Dan; Tony and Madeline; Steve; Little Ivy's family; Gay and Doug; Ms Savon; many with COVID; Carrie and Chris; Donna, Vicki, and Mike with recent loss of spouse; Norma; Sharon Sebolt; Ed with stage 4 cancer; a friend who needs protection in a hostile workplace and another who needs protection from a family member; a man in rehab for anger issues and another dealing with addiction; Stacy as she recuperates from knee surgery; some young ladies with great anxiety; and so many others. Thank You Jesus for Rickey taking me to dinner and us seeing Raynard and Sharon! What a blessing You give me through friends. Thank You for being with me in the day ahead and giving me exactly what I need to not just get through the day but to glorify You through it! Thank You for being My Comforter! Amen.
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